Natalie's mind at 2:22am

I'm baby hungry.
I never understood the phenomenon until I had a child of my own. In fact, I couldn't even fathom the hunger. Now I get it. Now I've got it. Nothing compares to those first 6 weeks and the majestic reverence a new-born brings to life. I crave that presence and find myself tearing up
at every newborn picture I see. Married nearly 8 years, and it isn't until divorce that I finally experience baby hunger. Ironic.

I miss my husband.
A rarity. I say husband because it's my husband I miss... not my x husband. The divorce was short, but far from sweet. The revealing process left me feeling as if the man I loved had passed away. In this moment I miss that man. I miss the friendship, the playfulness, the conversation, the laughter and the constant time we shared together. My mind strains to find those memories, now concealed under the heavy shadow of our last six weeks together as husband and wife; Yet once in awhile they come out of hiding, and in a split-second's time inundate me, reminding me of what life was like with my him. I miss those times.

What lies ahead.
I'm not dating. (At-least I'm trying not to). What's the point? I need to heal, and dating is not congruent with that goal. It would allay my loneliness, but to no avail. I'm not ready for marriage, hence, dating is futile. I desperately crave companionship, but I must resist. For now. I've been given a small window of opportunity to really focus on me - and that's exactly what I'm doing. I imagine marriage is quite far away, yet I can't imagine myself in this place much longer either. What will tomorrow bring? Isn't life interesting, with it's little twists and turns?! Now I'm just hanging on for the ride!

2:22am.
Tomorrow is here. I'll make the most of it, waiting patiently for the day after tomorrow. Now sleep.

Life is just better with Friends!

HOW GREAT ARE FRIENDS?! Aaaaaaaaaaah! (That is a choir of angels singing a high A in unison - opera style - ....in case you were wondering).

Are friends not a complete gift from God? And He has sent me some truly great ones. How very blessed I am.

A few days after my divorce I turned to a scripture that read, "For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself." Romans 14:7. I felt it was the Lord's way of saying, "Ok Natalie, you're divorced...now go out there and make some friends." I hesitated, so instead he sent the friends to me. What a gratifying experience it has been, and my cup floweth over! The love that others have shown me is just one more way God has manifested His love for me.

I have three friends in my ward, in particular, who have reached out to me even when I don't want to be reached out to. I've had moments (many moments) where I just want to be alone, yet these women push past my not-so-subtle hints and continue to "pester" me until I hang out with them. :) Aren't we all grateful for friends like that?! I always leave happy, and grateful for their persistence.

Last month I had a horrible day, as I was preparing for Gracie's birthday photo-shoot. I was beyond overwhelmed, when one of these friends just "happened" to stop by to see if she could help me in any way. The next thing I knew, her husband was hemming Gracie's birthday dress (yes, her husband) and she was off to Walmart to buy cake supplies. (Anyone who's willing to go to Walmart on my behalf must truly love me)! She invited another friend over and we made a girl's night out of decorating Gracie's cake - ending in laughter and a great mood. Both she AND her husband were an answer to my prayers and I was in tears that night as I thanked the Lord for his tender mercies.

This is just ONE example! I could come up with, literally, hundreds more! Just today I had a playdate at the gateway with a friend I hadn't seen in months. She let me talk her ear off for hours, and I certainly got my feel of "adult time" in for the week. lol. It was EXACTLY what I needed!

On top of strengthening old friendships I've made many new "single" girlfriends as well - GREAT WOMEN - and am realizing that along this journey I am creating and rekindling bonding friendships that will last a lifetime. It is so rewarding.

Simply put: I am grateful for friends. Friends who watch Gracie last minute, friends who invite me over to dinner when I have happened to have a horrible day, friends who give me their old baby supplies, friends who invite me to play games, watch a movie or go to breakfast, who insist I hang out when they know that deep down I'm lonely (even though I'll rarely admit it), friends who drop by just to say hi, friends who recommend an inspired book, friends who offer a listening ear and a comforting shoulder to cry on, friends who have the courage to act on their promptings regarding me, friends who stand as an example of righteousness, and friends who love me and refuse to judge me - despite my blaring faults.

It is so true - that "None of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself."

"I'm on a horse"

Oh how this makes me smile! Every so often a commercial comes along that is truly noteworthy. May I present... The man your man could smell like.

Let me count the ways

I love her.

I love how when I growl at her, she growls back
I love how she screams "doggy" each time she sees Riley or Lexi
I love that when I make a new sound with my mouth and she watches with intrigue, and then tries it herself

I love how excited she gets and the way she reaches for me right before I take her out of her crib.
I love the way she says "aaaah-ooooh" when she purposely drops things
I love the way she cuddles against my shoulder when she's tired
I love how she insists on turning the pages every time I read to her
I love moments where we share a fit of laughter , both giggling uncontrollably.
I love how she loses her breath and then giggles when I swing her
I love that she looks right at me as she drops food on the floor, rhythmically, one piece at a time
I love to hear her squeal each time I "chase" her up the stairs
I love how excited she gets each time she hears the Disney sound
I love to hear her contagious laughter when I kiss her neck or raspberry her tummy
I LOVE the way she grabs onto my leg when she wants me to hold her
I love to hear her babble when she wakes up from a nap
I love watching her stare at her fingers, as she moves them in awe
I love watching her discover and learn
I love how proud she is of herself each time she starts plunking the keys on the piano
I love how she squirms when I change her diaper
I love how she plays with my hair when I rock her to sleep
I love hearing her say "momma"
I love to see her "dance" when she hears music
I love her playful squeals when I scare her
I love how she wants to be with me every minute
I love how she looks up at me when I start the vacuum, knowing that I"ll hold and "protect" her
I love dancing with her
I love how she immediately cries and throws a fit when take something away from her
I love the way she holds her hand out to me, fingers spread
I love watching her in a peaceful sleep
...How I love her

Mommy's Birthday Girl

Gracie Ann.
Life's greatest gift.
Evidence of God's love.

I will never forget the first time I held you in my arms, and the unwavering resolve I gained in that very moment; That my life belonged to you. As that first cry escaped your lips a surge of joy consumed my entire body and I knew life would never be the same. I am so grateful for that fact. You have made me better. You have made me stronger. You have given me every reason to live, and fulfilled the complete measure of my creation. Happy first birthday my little Angel. Mommy loves you.


Photos by MaryKim Photography

Gracie's first step! (yes, STEP)

My baby girl just took her first step! One. Just one. lol

The last few days she's gotten brave and is constantly standing on her own for long periods of time, but she has yet to muster up the courage to take a step. Well I tricked her, and I tricked her good. (Isn't that what every loving mother does? Trick her kids)?

She was standing on her own and I reached out my hand as if I was about to walk with her. She reached for me and I pulled away by just an inch or two. She stepped towards me ALL ON HER OWN, and in that same moment realized what she had done and dropped to her knees, a bit startled at her accomplishment.

I was cheering ecstatically, as she looked at me bewildered, yet slightly pleased with herself.

Would she do it again? No sir. She's smarter than that. "Fool me once..."

I will have to come up with a new trick. Maybe next week.

Stay tuned. :)

HAPPY NEW BEGINNING

Today marks what would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. As I sit here typing, I look out my window and can't help but smile. It's a GORGEOUS day! The sun is brightly shining and every bit of snow is melted. (This is a good thing, until I realize my backyard is full of an entire winter's worth of dog-poo, waiting patiently to be picked up).

I have lunch with my sister today. In an hour, infact. Mexican food. Always appropriate for a fiesta. I'm so grateful for her consideration and look forward to some serious grub. She's my only sibling near-by and has really reached out to me through my divorce, always with impeccable timing.

Since this anniversary fell on a weekday I "celebrated" over the weekend. A dear friend took me out and planned an incredible experience - with less than a days notice.

The day began with a surprise visit to the spa, as he informed me I was getting the "princess package" and would be pampered from head to toe. WAS I EVER! Facial, scalp treatment, manicure, pedicure, hot-stone massage and make-up application. If you've never had a hot-stone massage may I suggest, nay insist, you put it on your "to do" list. Awwwwesome! He waited patiently for HOURS while the pampering proceeded. It was fun to have him by my side, entertaining the "older" women during my manicure, all of whom joked incessantly that he give their husbands lessons in how to treat a woman.

After hours of indulgence, we headed north for a "reservation" he had made. A reservation? In Ogden? We stopped for some quick food along the way, and pretty much inhaled it to avoid being late. Now I was REALLY curious what the reservation was for.

Skydiving. That's right. Skydiving. A vertical wind tunnel that just might have provided me with the most fun I ever had. ...EVER! (The company didn't hurt either). I think the package consisted of two "jumps," but every time I'd leave the tunnel my friend would look at me and motion, "One more?" To which I could never resist. After 30 minutes of this, we decided we'd better call it a day, mostly because my body was shaky from the new sensation. He was so good to me, insuring I enjoyed as many jumps as I could handle. I learned how to have proper form, how to turn, how to rise up and fall quicker, and how to do a front flip and back flip. It was INCREDIBLE!!! I'm hooked, to say the least. He got me the video, so I'll be posting in on here once I figure out how.

During each jump I tried to keep my mouth shut, but I just couldn't help but laugh and yell. Needless to say, I had slobber going EVERYWHERE. I felt sorry for my instructor lol. I laughed over it for hours and the natural high persisted for days. I MUST go again... the sooner the better!

To top off the day my friend surprised me with flowers. Lilies. They're my favorite flower, and have taken on new meaning since my divorce. I cried.

D&C 84: 81-85. For, consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these. For your Father who is in heaven, knoweth that you have need of all these things. Therefore, let the morrow take thought for the things of itself. Neither take ye thought beforehand what ye shall say; but treasure up in your minds continually the words of life, and it shall be given you in the very hour that portion that shall be meted unto every man.

This "anniversary weekend" was the perfect example of my needs being met in the very hour. And today continues to be an example of such. I am BEYOND GRATEFUL for good friends and family.

As was written on the card with my flowers: "Happy New Beginning." New beginning indeed.