16 years and 2 lifetimes later...

Shock. that's what I feel.  I always assumed this blog was deleted - memories vanished forever.  Imagine my surprise when, today, a facebook memory from 16 years ago led me here. Thank you, blogspot, for free hosting and preserving memories. I'm astonished and grateful. 

So much has occurred since I last wrote.

So much pain. Incredible disappointment.  Betrayal, abuse, heartache, and lost hope... all at the hands of love. 



I thought tenacity was the key to get me through, only to learn, after a decade of pain, that the strenght of strenght can be life's greatest weakness.

Walking away.. "giving up"... was my strongest moment. With fingers clenched tightly around tenacity, I finally surrendered - opening palms to receive self respect instead. It was a 4 year divorce, and opened the door for the next 4 year adventure with love I never thought possible...the love that felt too good to be true. And that's because it was. I collapsed under his manipulation, utter charm, and overt sexual abuse... until it was no longer overt. Another chapter in life's book of false love. Closed.

The truth is, so much pain could have been avoided had I chosen to remain alone. Instead I believed in love. I loved love.  Maybe I even needed love. But - most of all - I wanted my family to be a whole family unit.  

That version of me is gone.  And I mourn her lost innocence. 

I don't remember much anymore.  The last 15 years are a blur. I don't even remember what memories I would grasp at if I even wanted to remember. Like a canvas repeatedly re-painted, I'm no longer able to make sense of the art in-front of me.  Every day is a blur,  forgotten in the past nearly the moment it crosses today's finish line, entering tomorrow. 

Still.  I find pockets of immense satisfaction and gratitude daily.  

This chapter is around healing my nervous system, and protecting my heart and soul.  The most dangerous place I've ever been... is in love.  So I chose me, and me alone. 

Peace is a good place to marinate. 
Certainly love will find me, if I want it.
But I don't.  At least, now right now. 

I hope no-one reads this. And I hope the entire world does.  I can't imagine a soul uses blogspot anymore, but I feel I've resurrected a dinosaur and it'd be a damn shame to ride it.  So hello, blogpost.  Let me know if anyone is out there - 16 years and 2 lifetimes later.